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It is very difficult for parents to examine our own attitude to children's problems. Thus we see that school failures are attributed to the system, to the teachers or to the street itself; that marriages are untenable because of the daughter-in-law or son-in-law; that the jobs need a sponsor and that the "poor boys" do not leave home because the floors are sky high and they barely earn to maintain part of their independence.
Today is the reflection of my memory for the latter who, old enough, should have left the nest. There will be time to look at the other perspectives.
THE SCREWED CHILDREN
Take the test: any occasional gathering, in which the issue of the delay in the departure of the children from the family fold comes up, will be more than enough occasion for the controversy to be served .. And the issue, which today has become in multifamily, it lends itself to the most varied opinions ... in the end the reason for objectivity is obfuscated and, behind each argument, the paternal or maternal protection mantle appears veiled that justifies everything and argues everything in order to save the attitude of the children; that yes, without looking, not even remotely, the part of responsibility that parents correspond to in the conflict.
Unavoidable and appealed conclusion: children do not become independent because they cannot: that simple. We argue that society is not fair, and, simplifying, the fault, as always, is the laws, the Government, the builders or the devil . At that point in the discussion, the children disappear from the scene, despite being the cause of the problem, and anyone is blamed for a problem that is simply the direct protagonists: parents and children.
Diving into my fragile memory, I recover that in my youth the general problem of families was the most basic sustenance. Years of famine and scarcity, the young people were willing to do any job in order to bring resources to the house or to avoid impossible expenses for study adventures or vocational work. Necessity urgently spurred the most unprecedented efforts.
I recall those exemplary schoolmates who with indestructible humility and spirit served others, as if they were servants, in order to preserve the scholarship that in itself already entailed, in addition, the condition of obtaining the best grades. Towards them I keep in my memory the warmest admiration and affection.
The chores and the hours didn't matter; Sacrifices or overexertion were not bargained to go to various jobs that barely left time for rest, for this reason taking the flight was the best solution to take a mouth off the squalid family economy.
It was the will and determination of the children that forced the decision of forced independence.
After the years and with business responsibility behind me, I remember that immigrants from the 70s, from Extremadura, from Andalusia ..., came to work with the obsession of working hours to buy their son a flat after procuring their own with the sale of their real estate there on their land. I discussed on more than one occasion that sacrificial behavior, and without justification for me, of shortening the path to the child when the parents were just beginning to enjoy, after many efforts, a stocked pantry. It was useless to tell them that I, with several children, lived in a rental apartment waiting for more availability to access my own home; and it is that the paternalistic culture of deep Spain overweight on his conscience.
The later stage, that of abundance and consumption, is well known by those who reward me by reading me and I hope they share with me that, too often, it is forgotten that educating is transmitting, as a substantial value, the human profitability of effort, sacrifice, of the denial of one's own whims or even one's own vocations and vacations. These behaviors are almost banished from our society, I know, but at the same time so prevalent in our humanity that they are reborn every day through sports, diet, adventure, or the search for new emotions or new destinations, all of them impossible without a high dose of accepted resignation, yes, with enviable taste and encouragement.
Perhaps with our consent as well-off parents, and misapplying the concept of freedom, we are favoring the screwing of the children to the placid home while, probably, masking an unjustifiable feeling of fear of the empty nest or perhaps, and even more, from the fear of the overstretched son: my poor thing.
They cannot free themselves from home but they have their own car, computer, video game consoles and travel every year to the most exotic destinations. And living in a rented apartment, not to mention, is not well seen. Something as normal in developed countries as it is to live in rented flats or to share microscopic houses turns out to be here, thanks to that old culture of some parents, and with the conformist look of the son, “frowned upon”. It gives me the impression of living in a country of "new rich" in its worst sense and applauding, of course!, Those who with dignity, by their own effort or by good fortune went from the privations of poverty to the abundance of wealth.
Fortunately I know young students or simple employees who work at night in the supply of supermarkets or sacrifice on Sundays and parties distributing brochures in the street or acting as lifeguards on the beaches, in the heat of haze, where other colleagues have fun. Like these, there must be thousands who have guessed the trap that in their lives involves sharing their existence with “sacrificed” parents. It is shocking that these workers are considered as true heroes because they refuse and do not admit to living complacently and desistimulated to the BOBA SOUP that they would receive daily, without a doubt, in the shadow of their elders.